Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer