Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”