Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
ugh not again
How your email finds me
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds