Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Proctologist = Analyst

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

This why you should mind your business

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.