Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me as a therapist: omg same
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions