Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

crochet youtube is brutal

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Cartman: Respect my
a a

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert