Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas