Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

Already got one

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: