Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)