Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

liiiiiiiiike

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home