Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

classic mixup

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

The future is now.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.