Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

my name if I was in the mob