Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
rapatouille
