Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“TGIM!” – My liver
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
paddle faster i hear baby shark