Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no