Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet