Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.