Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.