Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.