Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Yes my dude
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Don’t tell me what to do
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.