Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.