Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.