Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

Real bees work best

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Unimpressed

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?