Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*