Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sooo many times…..

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Suuuuure

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.