Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir