Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.