Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind