Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven