Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.