Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT