Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked