Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*