Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
life lately
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Social Media and Real life
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”