Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
He instantly became one of the bros
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*