Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.