Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Guy who likes music

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Trumpy Cat

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

This why you should mind your business

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…