Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times