Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
You Might Also Like
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
That’s commitment
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”