Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

blocked.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”