Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”