Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.