Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.