is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
All excellent questions
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.