is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
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Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Shower sex be like:
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?