is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I don’t think my car can fly
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Hmm, not sure about this change
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Only short people can save us
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
