is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
See..?
.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
