is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
Beauty and the Beast
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
