Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.