Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time