“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
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[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
You know…for fall…
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly