“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

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Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*


Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.


Son: I think the dishwasher is leaking

Me, rowing my canoe right passed him: you think?


Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.


*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?


*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*


If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.


Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.


My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.


barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator