Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

smh

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]