Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”