Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.