Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!