me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…
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*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..
Much the same as when you’re stupid…..
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”