@TheTobbie

Is it racist that I’ve been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she’s actually 5 white chicks?…

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@TheHyyyype

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

@DaddyJew

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

@QuietPsycho

When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..

@wolfpupy

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

@hmcpherson17

Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.

@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”