Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.