Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.