Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks