Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
mmm onion ringos
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.