Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.