Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

Passed by a old school Math example today.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

I’m calling the cops.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say