Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.