Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
every single time
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works