Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Called it