is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.