is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed