is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
what the hell pray for carter everyone
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol