Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Fun Things
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
