Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.