Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
“Huge”.
